PROLOG
An adolescent girl from a city came to attend a wedding ceremony in a village where she was experiencing everything in a different way as she was grown up in a city so her thoughts were very wide and noble. She was also very calm and peaceful in her nature. On the other hand, the people from the village were little conservative as compare to the people from the city, they were not broad-minded as this village was located near a small town.
She came to this village with her aunts and
many other relatives. She was quite excited being in such an unseen place where
the people were little different by their race,
culture and language. It was a new experience for her as
compared to what she used to see in her city always. Though she was in such an unseen
place, she seemed to be very happy. She was even very curious to know something
new in her life always. She tried to communicate with the people from the village
where they came for the wedding ceremony.
Finally she met a boy who was around 17 years old who belonged to the house of bridegroom. She found him little different as he seemed to be really interested in her. She was very fetching to the boy with her adolescent age and with her eternal beauty. As she became little closer with the boy, he felt in intense love with her. But she had to leave the place once the wedding ceremony was over.
Finally the wedding ceremony was over and she left. But the boy declined to himself that she left and later on he became miserable in his life with burning emotions without her. His vigorous desire for her became illusionary and his solemn promise to find her again caused him to struggle a lot. As he was very keen though, he kept failing to reach his goal, he kept struggling hard, which made his life miserable and tragic too.
Finally she met a boy who was around 17 years old who belonged to the house of bridegroom. She found him little different as he seemed to be really interested in her. She was very fetching to the boy with her adolescent age and with her eternal beauty. As she became little closer with the boy, he felt in intense love with her. But she had to leave the place once the wedding ceremony was over.
Finally the wedding ceremony was over and she left. But the boy declined to himself that she left and later on he became miserable in his life with burning emotions without her. His vigorous desire for her became illusionary and his solemn promise to find her again caused him to struggle a lot. As he was very keen though, he kept failing to reach his goal, he kept struggling hard, which made his life miserable and tragic too.
Finally he finds her back in his life
and something mysterious causes him to ask her anything again.
----------
It
was the summer season we went to greet the people on arrival in train. But
there was an announcement in the platform that the train will arrive
late as the railway track has been blocked because of some accidents caused by
some other trains. After the sunset there was one more announcement that the
train will be late by another nine hours as it will arrive by 4'0 clock in the
morning. We had our dinner bit late at that night and after the dinner, we were
talking among us.
The weather was rainy so some people went to sleep. It was still drizzling but I could not sleep at all as I was very concern about the train arrival and also for the tired people traveling such a long journey. Finally there was an announcement of the train arrival. We waited in the platform where the train stopped and the people were getting down one after another. I was not able to recognize all the people as it was a marriage ceremony going on. So half of the people were known to me and the other half were unknown.
I was holding a bunch of flowers in my hand and looking for the bride to extend my heartfelt greetings. I looked around the people but I was not able to find out where the bride was as she was standing in another corner with simple attire. Though I was not able to find her but someone showed me the place where she was standing. Something strange took place in me by the time when I saw the bride, I was completely motionless to greet her and someone just pushed me forward. Though I was supposed to move forward but something just repelled me to move. Seeing that kind of silly things that I did, some youngsters started giggling and my shameful eyes just fell on a maiden who was looking very cute and was also found giggling. Finally we were ready to move from the platform and to set on towards home.
The weather was rainy so some people went to sleep. It was still drizzling but I could not sleep at all as I was very concern about the train arrival and also for the tired people traveling such a long journey. Finally there was an announcement of the train arrival. We waited in the platform where the train stopped and the people were getting down one after another. I was not able to recognize all the people as it was a marriage ceremony going on. So half of the people were known to me and the other half were unknown.
I was holding a bunch of flowers in my hand and looking for the bride to extend my heartfelt greetings. I looked around the people but I was not able to find out where the bride was as she was standing in another corner with simple attire. Though I was not able to find her but someone showed me the place where she was standing. Something strange took place in me by the time when I saw the bride, I was completely motionless to greet her and someone just pushed me forward. Though I was supposed to move forward but something just repelled me to move. Seeing that kind of silly things that I did, some youngsters started giggling and my shameful eyes just fell on a maiden who was looking very cute and was also found giggling. Finally we were ready to move from the platform and to set on towards home.
I did not lose my sight while she was moving in
another car. Her beauty was blowing my mind. After reaching home I gradually
started talking to her. I was wondering the way she was talking to me. In
fact I never got anyone before like her speaking with such an innocent voice
and her spoken words were very sweet.
I was thinking to lie down because I was physically tired as well as very drowsy because of not sleeping the whole night. As I awoke from my sleep, it was afternoon and had my lunch and I was busy in some other work. It was about the time closer to sunset, my elder sister and her husband came along with me for a short drive just to refresh the mind after spending our hard working day. While going I requested her also to come with us but I didn't talk to her anything. After we came back I was thinking to go to the market with her again.
As I requested her to come with me at first she denied because her parents commanded her not to go anywhere alone with anyone else but finally she agreed on my request. I never spent such an excited moment in my entire life. I started feeling heart-touching moments when she was with me in the car because the surrounding was filled with gloomy light where her face was luminous like the shining moon just after the sunset. As we were conversing, she was asking me why I did such silly things in the platform whether pointing to the notion whether I feel shy or what. She thought maybe I was shy in nature.
After reaching the market I went to buy the things which were asked to buy from home and I found nothing out of those as most of the shops were closed by the time we reached and I just got some chocolates for her and we returned. While returning also we talked till we reached back and she was smiling. Her smile was deeply affectionate to me, her beauty was really evergreen and her heart was something really divine. After reaching home she went inside but I became emotional and I started feeling empty without her.
I finished all the works as soon as possible and again searching for her. As I was searching for her, I saw she was talking to some of her cousin inside a room. I went to the door and when she saw me, I called her by raising my hand. She came but her cousin came along with her too and I just couldn't make it as I wished to be. Actually I thought of taking her with me somewhere alone where I can let her know regarding my empty feelings without her. But nothing happened that way though she came to know for what I called her.
I was helpless to offer her to come with me alone and I didn't said her anything and they just remained standing looking for what I called. I had the key of the bike which was parked out there and I started the engine and started moving slowly thinking what to do in such moment and suddenly I took high pick up and started riding the bike so rash which was a fun for them but of course not for me as it was not at all safe for me though the rest of the other were excited to see me riding so rash and in racing mode but she was bit worried for me causing accident. I really wondered for her such sincerity and well wishes to me after I came to know. I was also surprised how innocent and wise she was, though she was young. We all had dinner and went to sleep.
Next day was the wedding party day I was busy almost the entire day and in the evening I had to do nothing and I saw her she was well-dressed and looking so beautiful and I was watching towards her and thinking about her beauty as she was really something God-gifted. I was not wishing her to bother any more in such a houseful crowd but I took a chance to say her something and just whispered her to meet me alone when she was close to me.
Finally I was able to fulfill my vigorous desire for her. She came to the room which I told her to come and meet me previously actually it was the room where I used to stay and I was waiting there inside for her and when she came inside I told her to close the door so that no one can see us. When she was coming towards me both of us started smiling seeing each other without any particular reason and when she was close to me, it seemed both of us were in the mood of making romance. I was really feeling peace in my heart like I was in heaven with her when she was so nearer to me. Both of us remained smiling and nothing came out from my mouth rather than smiling.
But after a few moments she just left suddenly as she heard a crowd in the neighbor room. One of her cousin felt sick and she was moving towards that room to see. When she was moving out of the room, I just forced her by pulling her hand to be with me but she got angry on me. Actually I couldn't understand what was going on out there. I reached there and saw what kind of treatment was going on for her quick recovery and I just went outside.
It became gradually late night and the crowd in the house was reduced as people were moving after the party. I started feeling faint-hearted and something was screaming inside me as I could not realize why I was feeling that way. After a while, I was looking for her and saw people from the bride side were also moving from the house and finally I found her also leaving.
I was completely hurt when I saw her leaving. Oh...!! She is leaving...!! I just thought and became emotional. Such a difficult moment I hardly underwent in my life. I just restrained myself and I saw that she was smiling from far, saying bye...!! And when she was close to me, some harsh feelings wrapped me tight and I just thought ‘She is gone’!! This can never happen. I am going to lose her...I can no more be with her......!!
A bus came at that time to pick all of them and before she boarded the bus she came closer to me with her smiling face I could said nothing to her rather than becoming emotional. I just hold her hands and lifted softly and asking silently not to leave with dropping tears down and just became dazed. She was naturally soft-hearted who was kind to me as she could understand my feelings that was deep inside me but she was very confused what I exactly meant to her. Later on I understood that was a great mistake I did in my life like many others do. She just said she doesn't understand what I mean to her and released her hands from my hands and started moving towards the bus. I just remained seeing towards her. She went inside the bus and the bus started to move and I just remained in the same place watching towards the bus till it was out of my sight.
Finally I came back inside the house and I found an empty and silence lay house with a few people. I sat on a chair in a silent corner in a gloomy area remembering all my past whatever happened. Everything seemed to me was really so unfair and it really broke my heart. My loneliness made me to tears down where there was no other way. Suddenly I could hear someone calling my name out there and I just hold back myself and went inside.
I could not sleep the whole night as I was remembering all my true feelings and my true love for her and my pillow was fully wet by my shedded tears. It was about to time for sunrise and I was feeling suffocate being inside the room. I just got up from the bed went out of the room. The rising sun and the morning freshness reminded me of my divine love. I just started comparing her beauty with the rising sun which is never ending which can blow my mind always with a new hope and her fragrant was just like the morning freshness which can cling to me always with a new freshness.
It's been long time I became paranoid thinking of her too much. My study life was fully switched off and it was just like a growing tree died straight from the root. My family members forced me to start my study again. Though I started but I could not concentrate on my studies where my mind was full of her thoughts and my heart was full of all the jarring feelings. It seemed my loneliness without her was an eminent shock in my life to live the life again. My intoxication for her remained in me for a long time and later on my life became really distressed. Such a long distress made my life so desperate and finally I decided to commit suicide.
As I was running behind peace I went out to a place in so much of grief and I reached to a small stream which was flowing happily with its soft meandering. I sat near the stream and was watching such a beautiful scenario. Though I always used to see but this was the time I had to observe with a different thought which gave me new hope to this world with tons of meaning for surviving the life.
I just restrained myself and went back home before the sunset. And I started to plan to do something in life and solemnly promised to find her back again in my life. I thought of moving to some other place to start my study again because I am just fed-up of being in the same place. Finally I moved to other place and started study again with new hopes and of course I could make it well. I just thought hmm...life is not easier of course!! We need to dig our dream really hard if we want to succeed anything. I tried harder initially to make everything quite well but somewhere it seemed to me something's wrong, so wrong with me. Why do I feel that way I couldn't realize?
Though it was my solemn promise to find her back in my life but it was not at all easy where there was no other way to make that happen in my real life. In one way she became my relative with my family and in other way, my life was in pain without her. I can't express these things to anyone else. Such harder times, I had to spend in my life and gradually it became a boring life. Previously, before I left home though I tried couple of times to call her but I was not able to listen to her voice because she was absent from home.
Whatever this time but I was very conscious about my life and at least to make it somewhat better. I controlled my mind, didn't mattered to me much, how hard I became emotional, I found it difficult to let her go. It seemed to me life will never be satisfied, it is just full of hell and there is always lot of problems, so lets enjoy within these. Nothing could break my heart anymore and as I was enjoying my life, nothing could lead my life so miserable. It's been long time I didn't recalled her again and I thought not to be distracted by living in such fantasy.
I was continuing my study well initially, even though I was not able to carry over to the final year of my course because of having some previous back log papers. I had to wait for another year to continue to my final year and I got a hell lot of free times to spent and as I had to keep myself busy in somewhere to spend the free times easily, I could indulged myself to her thoughts again. When I was missing her too much, gradually her thoughts were bringing me back to the darkest tunnel. Finally it has caused me to be quite depressed again in my life.
I spent my free times browsing the internet and I became a fan of doing social networking where I was searching for her intensely and I thought if luckily I can find her again. But nothing was there as I thought to be I never found any such profile of her. But my frustration caused me to continue it for a long time. Sometimes I just became fed-up doing so and I just relaxed myself doing some other things. By the time some of the social networking websites became hugely popular and I just thought this might be helpful for me. Lets wait for some more times and I continued on the website to look for her. Finally nothing could help me and there is no hope left in me, no more love emerged from my heart, no more my heart cried for her. My life just got stucked somewhere from where I could see no edges to reach my dream to find her out again in my life. It seemed to me it's better to die rather than surviving that way. No more I wished to do anything as I was completely burnt and died from my inside. Nothing could change my mind in such desperate situation of my life.
However I remembered the great sayings of Paulo Coelho”When you really want something this universe conspires you in your favor", which really inspired me a lot. By the time used to read some of the good books which could also change my way of thinking. I thought let’s not be such frustrated, let’s have patience and there will be time I will be able to make it in a better way. I was able to gain better understanding of life by reading such books. It's very true thing that reading makes us really wiser.
Now this was my final year going on, I became little closer with my study life and I was doing everything well and finished my final year exams but still some back log papers were there to be completed. Life is very uncertain and it may take us to any direction unless we try it harder to control anyway. Now my course duration was over rather than having some back log papers and from my home no access money was sent to me also there was some monetary shortage in my family. Earning money was less in my family rather than spending.
I thought of going for a job rather starving the days because gradually I became very financially weak. I had to lend money from others and that was something I didn't like. Finally I got a job and I joined there. When I joined initially it was good and also I was very proud of being on earning. Whatever after some days it started making me frustrated for not completing my course fully and I started feeling guilty for that. Gradually I could not concentrate on my job with my full attention as I was quite worried for those pending papers. As I could not concentrate on my job in a proper way gradually, it started having bad relation with my manager. Lot of questions those I had to answer to my manager that was really irritating to me. Finally I thought of resigning from my job and to prepare for my pending papers and to pass the papers.
Later on I became really frustrated in my life and I became very weak financially and I started worrying for my life. I used to stay in my friend's room where there was no money with me to pay my room rent. I just thought may be God doesn't have any mercy on me. My severe frustration made my life really desperate. However I attended the exams of my back papers and waited for the results but I couldn’t pass all the pending papers. It was really bad time going on for me and doesn't matter how hard I try to make the things better but nothing happens that way. Such a painful life which I could never imagine, one way I was suffering financially and the other way the only one hope that remained in me for such a long time. It seemed like no longer survival for me as I always wished to be. All the things have remained unfinished and finally each and every wish had died deep inside me and I just started feeling stifled where my life became fully stagnant.
No edges I could see in such a distressful life of mine and it started giving me psychotic problems. There was no reason to ruin my life that way and I started feeling pity for my own mistakes.
I started to ask myself why I am so depressed in my life and I started to contemplate all the problems that have made my life so miserable. At last I found myself trapping in her love. In other way, it might be she doesn't even remember me and I am the one who is dying for her which is a completely vain.
Finally I was able to understand after going through such deep depressed life gaining such unhealthy experiences in my life and I could realize the things begin to collapse in my life. Then I started thinking about my own life.
As I used to read books I remembered the great saying of all time " Life has its own course and it runs along according to its own course. Let it lead rather than trying to push the river." It was quite inspiring to my life and I was very happy. The things have been folded in my life started gradually unfolding to my life.
Yes it's quite true that life is something that is predefined and though I thought of sticking to the things I was quite concerned about my life always or else it's very hard to find out our hidden dreams which are suppressed deep inside us. Finally I realized and started regretting and found out that I was wasting such a huge amount of time which was totally worthless.
Of course it makes no sense to live in our past life and recalling all the regrets but I thought the past was to determine what we should do in the present which will precisely lead us till tomorrow for a new beginning.
I was able to understand well my life philosophically and I was very happy having such thoughts in me. I thought Life is full of mysterious things but we were born to die one day. Being emotional sometimes we may sabotage the happiness in our life. Let’s not be so much emotional. We do learn right from our childhood regarding how to do the things to heal ourselves. We do learn how to fight for the victory of our life and the only thing requires is to stick to the fight, putting harder effort to reach our goal, to become the victorious and to make life joyful.
I could understand well the sayings of big men why we need to have our boundless patience. Patience requires to each and every human being for our success. All our best efforts may not lead us towards the success to fulfill all our dreams. In fact, success and failures are seasonal just like the summer and the winter seasons that we need to go through our life. We can never be hundred percent perfect as we are human being and it's a human nature to do mistake.
We should always try to be the best warrior of this battle field of life. We should come across all our grieves and all our failures with equal joy so as to reach the success in the end of the day of our life. And for that we need to have boundless patience, limitless potential, extremely courageous as well as widely knowledgeable. All these things are there deep within us and the only thing requires to come out with all these abilities to prepare ourselves for the battle of the life in a very serious manner.
I remembered the great saying, “Life is a journey not a destination.” Yes it's quite true that life is a duty on our great journey during the period for looking at our own life for our own life responsibility. So we should be very serious for our own life's duty. Let it not go so worse. Let’s not feel guilty rather let it be very precise and worthy so that in the end of the day of our life we can enjoy the moments so that we can feel good for doing great things.
After coming over such a long way of understanding, I could solemnly recognize the mistakes those I did in my life which led my life to full of regrets. I understood that mistakes may be done by any human being and that's very natural to us. Mistakes are done when it's hard to reveal the cause. But we do need to wait for the dawn to arrive and that's just a punishment which will lead our life to be depressed and that will prove our patience level to overcome.
Life is yet full of mysterious things and that's universal truth. Even it happened in my own life which was really mysterious to me. I was very happy after I came to know lots of secret things about life those I didn't know previously and I could lead my life well.
As I was enjoying my life, suddenly I found one of her profile on a social networking website when I was browsing the net without any purpose. I was totally stirred up with my full excitement and I just couldn't believe that it was her profile. I just thought finally at least I found her profile the one whom I loved for such a long time. Really it was such a wonderful moment for me and her profile was really amazing with very simple and confined information.
I was greatly surprised by finding her again in my life though it was just a virtual world. I just went through her profile and became very happy. I thought of asking nothing impetuously to her and just thought to restrain myself to do anything that can turn my dream into reality. I kept glancing at her profile everyday and also by doing so, it could please my heart enormously.
Though I could reach to her virtually but something didn't allowed me initially for a long time and that was my weakness. I felt myself quite weak and incompetent to reach her level for proposing my heartfelt love to her. Indeed I should have something in me to reach to her again in my life.
Life seems really harder and as always I could not realize why I hesitated to ask her anything again. I just thought well that's a mystery to me. I looked for her photos in the social media to find out my curiosity to know how she has grown up physically over the year so that I can at least be able to guess how she has changed mentally because it's been a long time we met.
I didn't found any of her profile photos rather than some kind of fantasy picture uploaded. Then I started thinking to make it in another way and it took for me a bit late to get it done and finally I found her couple of photos right from her school till the date. It really gave me enormous pleasure after I came to see many of her photos. I even came to know some of her friends.
Physically she was well-developed as she looked much matured now. What I mean she has really became a beautiful woman and it was very hard for me to guess how she has changed mentally. But what it seemed to me after seeing her photos, it look like she has not changed much as she was always very practical in thinking. But of course it made me to take a deep breath after I found many of her photos and contemplating on all those things, it finally made me hopeless.
It was quite true that I could please my heart with huge excitement by seeing her photos that way always. But the truth is that these are all frozen portraits and the pathetic condition was that I had to always overcome and control my emotions before taking any rapid step to move forward. Initially though I thought of asking her at least how she is doing in her life but I felt more of guilty to ask her anything because I didn't had the exact idea how she has changed mentally as well as emotionally.
The very reason was it's been long time that we met and it seemed to me; most probably, she don’t even remember anything the way we were one day in our life that was just a past event. Probably it was really a bad event that ever happened in her life and I was the one who tried always to become her serenade. That was the saddest part in my life any how I controlled all my emotions, all my loneliness feelings without her. And it was just like I had to think practically as a matured rather than thinking emotionally.
I remembered the great sayings of the brilliant philosopher Kahlil Gibran " There is something greater and purer than what the mouth utters. Silence illuminates our souls, whispers to our hearts and brings them together. Silence separates us from ourselves, makes us sail the firmament of spirit and brings us closer to heaven."
After I remembered this kind of philosophy, though it was quite true but I felt it has no importance in my life. I could not realize why I was so confused in my life that way which has led me to become stupid. To overcome failures and to reach any dream, we always need to be strong in broken areas of our life. But it took me to negative thoughts where all my emotions were burning without her.
I was thinking in a different way that had really limited options. And they say ”You are limited only by your own imagination." I really couldn't decide which side of my life, I was so confused. One way I never wish to leave my crimson dream and another way my life need to have limitless patience to overcome and destroy the fear. I just thought and asked to myself “Is this what life is about?”
I was thinking whether I should fear the situation or I should face it but how ever I thought of doing something else when the right time arrives in my life, I will cause it to happen in my real life too. And I also thought life is very mysterious and it keeps changing. Let’s not do anything impetuously.
So that's how I made myself to control everything which could lead me in a wrong way. But I did keep glancing off her profile everyday for any new changes she made if any. And after a long time suddenly one day some devilish thought wrapped me tight inside and I became emotional and just thought how long I will have to wait and what I see is dusk to the dawn. Let’s come nearer to the dawn so that it can make my clear vision.
But believe me I choose the wrong step and I could feel may be I am leading myself in a wrong direction. I started doing some silly mistakes when I was too frustrated. My frustration made me to take a deep breath thinking the right thing and just not to miss the opportunity which I had in my hand at that time. Though I was very much confused what to do, but I thought of taking action and especially when I remembered the great quote of life that "Wisdom without execution is worthless." I could not justify what would have been the right decision for reaching my goal.
As I used to keep checking her profile in details always I could came to know who her close friends and who her classmates are. I started taking action as I thought of asking her friends regarding her and as I made the plan I started working on that but believe me nothing could help me anyway and what if the friend whom I asked something, she never replied anything.
It was something that made me really thinks but at the end of each and every attempt those I tried, it resulted in being worthless. I just thought may be these females are always selfish by nature. Or else why did they not reply anything. I was quite puzzled after doing these things. I also thought maybe she doesn't go to her message inbox to see the messages. Probably it was a kind of really boring to click the inbox may be because of some of the flirty messages sent by the naughty guys every day.
However after trying such harder and being disappeared that way I became paranoid. I just stopped doing everything, socially isolated myself and locked myself inside a room. It's been a long time after being isolated in such a way I became quite emotional and thought of meeting my friend so that I can refresh my mind.
I have shared all my problems with him the way I have been suffering since a long time. But what I believe is yeah someone could be our best friend but it doesn't mean that we should share each and every thing those we suffer instead we should try to solve it by ourselves. Sometimes it may help us sharing the problems but in my case may be it was not good enough to share the problems with others especially when the problems are related to the emotional issues.
It was not so worse sharing with him all my problems but the way he told me the problems could have been solved was something against my nature. However it just gave me a interruption within the time.
That seemed to be nothing is helpful for me unless I start it so harder. Once again, I remembered her and just confessed to myself that my love can never be fragile. The only saddest thing that always happened to me was whatever I tried for her was really freak. I thought for a broken heart and for a broken mind, the past is always present.
Suddenly one day I thought of asking something to her instead of trying to make it in other way. Finally I started typing to her but I really didn't know what to type so that she remembers everything, so that she can at least come to know about me that I am still in love with her. I thought of typing something in a poetic way and I just typed and sent it to her but I didn't have any idea how it will work.
After I sent the message to her, I waited for her reply hopefully if she types anything to me. I waited for a long time but there was no reply, nothing like as I thought to be. I was in doubt whether she logged in to her profile or not. But after a long time I came to know that she logged into her profile but I had no idea whether she had read the messages or not.
However once again I thought of asking her at least how she is and also I thought of sending her friend request, so that she can come to know about me. But she never replied anything nor she confirmed my friend request and I was worrying for that. I just thought why she is not responding anything to me.
I also asked her friend something but she too never replied. I could not understand why they were not giving me any response. I thought maybe the way in which I approached them was wrong and they thought of me as a fool.
Later on I thought of approaching nothing that way and just thought I should not let her know about all my foolishness. When we are helpless, when we are weak, it is always better to be silent and have patience.
Though she replied nothing to me even though I started thinking about her and I thought that at least she came to know that lot of infatuations are still there in me.
I was thinking to lie down because I was physically tired as well as very drowsy because of not sleeping the whole night. As I awoke from my sleep, it was afternoon and had my lunch and I was busy in some other work. It was about the time closer to sunset, my elder sister and her husband came along with me for a short drive just to refresh the mind after spending our hard working day. While going I requested her also to come with us but I didn't talk to her anything. After we came back I was thinking to go to the market with her again.
As I requested her to come with me at first she denied because her parents commanded her not to go anywhere alone with anyone else but finally she agreed on my request. I never spent such an excited moment in my entire life. I started feeling heart-touching moments when she was with me in the car because the surrounding was filled with gloomy light where her face was luminous like the shining moon just after the sunset. As we were conversing, she was asking me why I did such silly things in the platform whether pointing to the notion whether I feel shy or what. She thought maybe I was shy in nature.
After reaching the market I went to buy the things which were asked to buy from home and I found nothing out of those as most of the shops were closed by the time we reached and I just got some chocolates for her and we returned. While returning also we talked till we reached back and she was smiling. Her smile was deeply affectionate to me, her beauty was really evergreen and her heart was something really divine. After reaching home she went inside but I became emotional and I started feeling empty without her.
I finished all the works as soon as possible and again searching for her. As I was searching for her, I saw she was talking to some of her cousin inside a room. I went to the door and when she saw me, I called her by raising my hand. She came but her cousin came along with her too and I just couldn't make it as I wished to be. Actually I thought of taking her with me somewhere alone where I can let her know regarding my empty feelings without her. But nothing happened that way though she came to know for what I called her.
I was helpless to offer her to come with me alone and I didn't said her anything and they just remained standing looking for what I called. I had the key of the bike which was parked out there and I started the engine and started moving slowly thinking what to do in such moment and suddenly I took high pick up and started riding the bike so rash which was a fun for them but of course not for me as it was not at all safe for me though the rest of the other were excited to see me riding so rash and in racing mode but she was bit worried for me causing accident. I really wondered for her such sincerity and well wishes to me after I came to know. I was also surprised how innocent and wise she was, though she was young. We all had dinner and went to sleep.
Next day was the wedding party day I was busy almost the entire day and in the evening I had to do nothing and I saw her she was well-dressed and looking so beautiful and I was watching towards her and thinking about her beauty as she was really something God-gifted. I was not wishing her to bother any more in such a houseful crowd but I took a chance to say her something and just whispered her to meet me alone when she was close to me.
Finally I was able to fulfill my vigorous desire for her. She came to the room which I told her to come and meet me previously actually it was the room where I used to stay and I was waiting there inside for her and when she came inside I told her to close the door so that no one can see us. When she was coming towards me both of us started smiling seeing each other without any particular reason and when she was close to me, it seemed both of us were in the mood of making romance. I was really feeling peace in my heart like I was in heaven with her when she was so nearer to me. Both of us remained smiling and nothing came out from my mouth rather than smiling.
But after a few moments she just left suddenly as she heard a crowd in the neighbor room. One of her cousin felt sick and she was moving towards that room to see. When she was moving out of the room, I just forced her by pulling her hand to be with me but she got angry on me. Actually I couldn't understand what was going on out there. I reached there and saw what kind of treatment was going on for her quick recovery and I just went outside.
It became gradually late night and the crowd in the house was reduced as people were moving after the party. I started feeling faint-hearted and something was screaming inside me as I could not realize why I was feeling that way. After a while, I was looking for her and saw people from the bride side were also moving from the house and finally I found her also leaving.
I was completely hurt when I saw her leaving. Oh...!! She is leaving...!! I just thought and became emotional. Such a difficult moment I hardly underwent in my life. I just restrained myself and I saw that she was smiling from far, saying bye...!! And when she was close to me, some harsh feelings wrapped me tight and I just thought ‘She is gone’!! This can never happen. I am going to lose her...I can no more be with her......!!
A bus came at that time to pick all of them and before she boarded the bus she came closer to me with her smiling face I could said nothing to her rather than becoming emotional. I just hold her hands and lifted softly and asking silently not to leave with dropping tears down and just became dazed. She was naturally soft-hearted who was kind to me as she could understand my feelings that was deep inside me but she was very confused what I exactly meant to her. Later on I understood that was a great mistake I did in my life like many others do. She just said she doesn't understand what I mean to her and released her hands from my hands and started moving towards the bus. I just remained seeing towards her. She went inside the bus and the bus started to move and I just remained in the same place watching towards the bus till it was out of my sight.
Finally I came back inside the house and I found an empty and silence lay house with a few people. I sat on a chair in a silent corner in a gloomy area remembering all my past whatever happened. Everything seemed to me was really so unfair and it really broke my heart. My loneliness made me to tears down where there was no other way. Suddenly I could hear someone calling my name out there and I just hold back myself and went inside.
I could not sleep the whole night as I was remembering all my true feelings and my true love for her and my pillow was fully wet by my shedded tears. It was about to time for sunrise and I was feeling suffocate being inside the room. I just got up from the bed went out of the room. The rising sun and the morning freshness reminded me of my divine love. I just started comparing her beauty with the rising sun which is never ending which can blow my mind always with a new hope and her fragrant was just like the morning freshness which can cling to me always with a new freshness.
It's been long time I became paranoid thinking of her too much. My study life was fully switched off and it was just like a growing tree died straight from the root. My family members forced me to start my study again. Though I started but I could not concentrate on my studies where my mind was full of her thoughts and my heart was full of all the jarring feelings. It seemed my loneliness without her was an eminent shock in my life to live the life again. My intoxication for her remained in me for a long time and later on my life became really distressed. Such a long distress made my life so desperate and finally I decided to commit suicide.
As I was running behind peace I went out to a place in so much of grief and I reached to a small stream which was flowing happily with its soft meandering. I sat near the stream and was watching such a beautiful scenario. Though I always used to see but this was the time I had to observe with a different thought which gave me new hope to this world with tons of meaning for surviving the life.
I just restrained myself and went back home before the sunset. And I started to plan to do something in life and solemnly promised to find her back again in my life. I thought of moving to some other place to start my study again because I am just fed-up of being in the same place. Finally I moved to other place and started study again with new hopes and of course I could make it well. I just thought hmm...life is not easier of course!! We need to dig our dream really hard if we want to succeed anything. I tried harder initially to make everything quite well but somewhere it seemed to me something's wrong, so wrong with me. Why do I feel that way I couldn't realize?
Though it was my solemn promise to find her back in my life but it was not at all easy where there was no other way to make that happen in my real life. In one way she became my relative with my family and in other way, my life was in pain without her. I can't express these things to anyone else. Such harder times, I had to spend in my life and gradually it became a boring life. Previously, before I left home though I tried couple of times to call her but I was not able to listen to her voice because she was absent from home.
Whatever this time but I was very conscious about my life and at least to make it somewhat better. I controlled my mind, didn't mattered to me much, how hard I became emotional, I found it difficult to let her go. It seemed to me life will never be satisfied, it is just full of hell and there is always lot of problems, so lets enjoy within these. Nothing could break my heart anymore and as I was enjoying my life, nothing could lead my life so miserable. It's been long time I didn't recalled her again and I thought not to be distracted by living in such fantasy.
I was continuing my study well initially, even though I was not able to carry over to the final year of my course because of having some previous back log papers. I had to wait for another year to continue to my final year and I got a hell lot of free times to spent and as I had to keep myself busy in somewhere to spend the free times easily, I could indulged myself to her thoughts again. When I was missing her too much, gradually her thoughts were bringing me back to the darkest tunnel. Finally it has caused me to be quite depressed again in my life.
I spent my free times browsing the internet and I became a fan of doing social networking where I was searching for her intensely and I thought if luckily I can find her again. But nothing was there as I thought to be I never found any such profile of her. But my frustration caused me to continue it for a long time. Sometimes I just became fed-up doing so and I just relaxed myself doing some other things. By the time some of the social networking websites became hugely popular and I just thought this might be helpful for me. Lets wait for some more times and I continued on the website to look for her. Finally nothing could help me and there is no hope left in me, no more love emerged from my heart, no more my heart cried for her. My life just got stucked somewhere from where I could see no edges to reach my dream to find her out again in my life. It seemed to me it's better to die rather than surviving that way. No more I wished to do anything as I was completely burnt and died from my inside. Nothing could change my mind in such desperate situation of my life.
However I remembered the great sayings of Paulo Coelho”When you really want something this universe conspires you in your favor", which really inspired me a lot. By the time used to read some of the good books which could also change my way of thinking. I thought let’s not be such frustrated, let’s have patience and there will be time I will be able to make it in a better way. I was able to gain better understanding of life by reading such books. It's very true thing that reading makes us really wiser.
Now this was my final year going on, I became little closer with my study life and I was doing everything well and finished my final year exams but still some back log papers were there to be completed. Life is very uncertain and it may take us to any direction unless we try it harder to control anyway. Now my course duration was over rather than having some back log papers and from my home no access money was sent to me also there was some monetary shortage in my family. Earning money was less in my family rather than spending.
I thought of going for a job rather starving the days because gradually I became very financially weak. I had to lend money from others and that was something I didn't like. Finally I got a job and I joined there. When I joined initially it was good and also I was very proud of being on earning. Whatever after some days it started making me frustrated for not completing my course fully and I started feeling guilty for that. Gradually I could not concentrate on my job with my full attention as I was quite worried for those pending papers. As I could not concentrate on my job in a proper way gradually, it started having bad relation with my manager. Lot of questions those I had to answer to my manager that was really irritating to me. Finally I thought of resigning from my job and to prepare for my pending papers and to pass the papers.
Later on I became really frustrated in my life and I became very weak financially and I started worrying for my life. I used to stay in my friend's room where there was no money with me to pay my room rent. I just thought may be God doesn't have any mercy on me. My severe frustration made my life really desperate. However I attended the exams of my back papers and waited for the results but I couldn’t pass all the pending papers. It was really bad time going on for me and doesn't matter how hard I try to make the things better but nothing happens that way. Such a painful life which I could never imagine, one way I was suffering financially and the other way the only one hope that remained in me for such a long time. It seemed like no longer survival for me as I always wished to be. All the things have remained unfinished and finally each and every wish had died deep inside me and I just started feeling stifled where my life became fully stagnant.
No edges I could see in such a distressful life of mine and it started giving me psychotic problems. There was no reason to ruin my life that way and I started feeling pity for my own mistakes.
I started to ask myself why I am so depressed in my life and I started to contemplate all the problems that have made my life so miserable. At last I found myself trapping in her love. In other way, it might be she doesn't even remember me and I am the one who is dying for her which is a completely vain.
Finally I was able to understand after going through such deep depressed life gaining such unhealthy experiences in my life and I could realize the things begin to collapse in my life. Then I started thinking about my own life.
As I used to read books I remembered the great saying of all time " Life has its own course and it runs along according to its own course. Let it lead rather than trying to push the river." It was quite inspiring to my life and I was very happy. The things have been folded in my life started gradually unfolding to my life.
Yes it's quite true that life is something that is predefined and though I thought of sticking to the things I was quite concerned about my life always or else it's very hard to find out our hidden dreams which are suppressed deep inside us. Finally I realized and started regretting and found out that I was wasting such a huge amount of time which was totally worthless.
Of course it makes no sense to live in our past life and recalling all the regrets but I thought the past was to determine what we should do in the present which will precisely lead us till tomorrow for a new beginning.
I was able to understand well my life philosophically and I was very happy having such thoughts in me. I thought Life is full of mysterious things but we were born to die one day. Being emotional sometimes we may sabotage the happiness in our life. Let’s not be so much emotional. We do learn right from our childhood regarding how to do the things to heal ourselves. We do learn how to fight for the victory of our life and the only thing requires is to stick to the fight, putting harder effort to reach our goal, to become the victorious and to make life joyful.
I could understand well the sayings of big men why we need to have our boundless patience. Patience requires to each and every human being for our success. All our best efforts may not lead us towards the success to fulfill all our dreams. In fact, success and failures are seasonal just like the summer and the winter seasons that we need to go through our life. We can never be hundred percent perfect as we are human being and it's a human nature to do mistake.
We should always try to be the best warrior of this battle field of life. We should come across all our grieves and all our failures with equal joy so as to reach the success in the end of the day of our life. And for that we need to have boundless patience, limitless potential, extremely courageous as well as widely knowledgeable. All these things are there deep within us and the only thing requires to come out with all these abilities to prepare ourselves for the battle of the life in a very serious manner.
I remembered the great saying, “Life is a journey not a destination.” Yes it's quite true that life is a duty on our great journey during the period for looking at our own life for our own life responsibility. So we should be very serious for our own life's duty. Let it not go so worse. Let’s not feel guilty rather let it be very precise and worthy so that in the end of the day of our life we can enjoy the moments so that we can feel good for doing great things.
After coming over such a long way of understanding, I could solemnly recognize the mistakes those I did in my life which led my life to full of regrets. I understood that mistakes may be done by any human being and that's very natural to us. Mistakes are done when it's hard to reveal the cause. But we do need to wait for the dawn to arrive and that's just a punishment which will lead our life to be depressed and that will prove our patience level to overcome.
Life is yet full of mysterious things and that's universal truth. Even it happened in my own life which was really mysterious to me. I was very happy after I came to know lots of secret things about life those I didn't know previously and I could lead my life well.
As I was enjoying my life, suddenly I found one of her profile on a social networking website when I was browsing the net without any purpose. I was totally stirred up with my full excitement and I just couldn't believe that it was her profile. I just thought finally at least I found her profile the one whom I loved for such a long time. Really it was such a wonderful moment for me and her profile was really amazing with very simple and confined information.
I was greatly surprised by finding her again in my life though it was just a virtual world. I just went through her profile and became very happy. I thought of asking nothing impetuously to her and just thought to restrain myself to do anything that can turn my dream into reality. I kept glancing at her profile everyday and also by doing so, it could please my heart enormously.
Though I could reach to her virtually but something didn't allowed me initially for a long time and that was my weakness. I felt myself quite weak and incompetent to reach her level for proposing my heartfelt love to her. Indeed I should have something in me to reach to her again in my life.
Life seems really harder and as always I could not realize why I hesitated to ask her anything again. I just thought well that's a mystery to me. I looked for her photos in the social media to find out my curiosity to know how she has grown up physically over the year so that I can at least be able to guess how she has changed mentally because it's been a long time we met.
I didn't found any of her profile photos rather than some kind of fantasy picture uploaded. Then I started thinking to make it in another way and it took for me a bit late to get it done and finally I found her couple of photos right from her school till the date. It really gave me enormous pleasure after I came to see many of her photos. I even came to know some of her friends.
Physically she was well-developed as she looked much matured now. What I mean she has really became a beautiful woman and it was very hard for me to guess how she has changed mentally. But what it seemed to me after seeing her photos, it look like she has not changed much as she was always very practical in thinking. But of course it made me to take a deep breath after I found many of her photos and contemplating on all those things, it finally made me hopeless.
It was quite true that I could please my heart with huge excitement by seeing her photos that way always. But the truth is that these are all frozen portraits and the pathetic condition was that I had to always overcome and control my emotions before taking any rapid step to move forward. Initially though I thought of asking her at least how she is doing in her life but I felt more of guilty to ask her anything because I didn't had the exact idea how she has changed mentally as well as emotionally.
The very reason was it's been long time that we met and it seemed to me; most probably, she don’t even remember anything the way we were one day in our life that was just a past event. Probably it was really a bad event that ever happened in her life and I was the one who tried always to become her serenade. That was the saddest part in my life any how I controlled all my emotions, all my loneliness feelings without her. And it was just like I had to think practically as a matured rather than thinking emotionally.
I remembered the great sayings of the brilliant philosopher Kahlil Gibran " There is something greater and purer than what the mouth utters. Silence illuminates our souls, whispers to our hearts and brings them together. Silence separates us from ourselves, makes us sail the firmament of spirit and brings us closer to heaven."
After I remembered this kind of philosophy, though it was quite true but I felt it has no importance in my life. I could not realize why I was so confused in my life that way which has led me to become stupid. To overcome failures and to reach any dream, we always need to be strong in broken areas of our life. But it took me to negative thoughts where all my emotions were burning without her.
I was thinking in a different way that had really limited options. And they say ”You are limited only by your own imagination." I really couldn't decide which side of my life, I was so confused. One way I never wish to leave my crimson dream and another way my life need to have limitless patience to overcome and destroy the fear. I just thought and asked to myself “Is this what life is about?”
I was thinking whether I should fear the situation or I should face it but how ever I thought of doing something else when the right time arrives in my life, I will cause it to happen in my real life too. And I also thought life is very mysterious and it keeps changing. Let’s not do anything impetuously.
So that's how I made myself to control everything which could lead me in a wrong way. But I did keep glancing off her profile everyday for any new changes she made if any. And after a long time suddenly one day some devilish thought wrapped me tight inside and I became emotional and just thought how long I will have to wait and what I see is dusk to the dawn. Let’s come nearer to the dawn so that it can make my clear vision.
But believe me I choose the wrong step and I could feel may be I am leading myself in a wrong direction. I started doing some silly mistakes when I was too frustrated. My frustration made me to take a deep breath thinking the right thing and just not to miss the opportunity which I had in my hand at that time. Though I was very much confused what to do, but I thought of taking action and especially when I remembered the great quote of life that "Wisdom without execution is worthless." I could not justify what would have been the right decision for reaching my goal.
As I used to keep checking her profile in details always I could came to know who her close friends and who her classmates are. I started taking action as I thought of asking her friends regarding her and as I made the plan I started working on that but believe me nothing could help me anyway and what if the friend whom I asked something, she never replied anything.
It was something that made me really thinks but at the end of each and every attempt those I tried, it resulted in being worthless. I just thought may be these females are always selfish by nature. Or else why did they not reply anything. I was quite puzzled after doing these things. I also thought maybe she doesn't go to her message inbox to see the messages. Probably it was a kind of really boring to click the inbox may be because of some of the flirty messages sent by the naughty guys every day.
However after trying such harder and being disappeared that way I became paranoid. I just stopped doing everything, socially isolated myself and locked myself inside a room. It's been a long time after being isolated in such a way I became quite emotional and thought of meeting my friend so that I can refresh my mind.
I have shared all my problems with him the way I have been suffering since a long time. But what I believe is yeah someone could be our best friend but it doesn't mean that we should share each and every thing those we suffer instead we should try to solve it by ourselves. Sometimes it may help us sharing the problems but in my case may be it was not good enough to share the problems with others especially when the problems are related to the emotional issues.
It was not so worse sharing with him all my problems but the way he told me the problems could have been solved was something against my nature. However it just gave me a interruption within the time.
That seemed to be nothing is helpful for me unless I start it so harder. Once again, I remembered her and just confessed to myself that my love can never be fragile. The only saddest thing that always happened to me was whatever I tried for her was really freak. I thought for a broken heart and for a broken mind, the past is always present.
Suddenly one day I thought of asking something to her instead of trying to make it in other way. Finally I started typing to her but I really didn't know what to type so that she remembers everything, so that she can at least come to know about me that I am still in love with her. I thought of typing something in a poetic way and I just typed and sent it to her but I didn't have any idea how it will work.
After I sent the message to her, I waited for her reply hopefully if she types anything to me. I waited for a long time but there was no reply, nothing like as I thought to be. I was in doubt whether she logged in to her profile or not. But after a long time I came to know that she logged into her profile but I had no idea whether she had read the messages or not.
However once again I thought of asking her at least how she is and also I thought of sending her friend request, so that she can come to know about me. But she never replied anything nor she confirmed my friend request and I was worrying for that. I just thought why she is not responding anything to me.
I also asked her friend something but she too never replied. I could not understand why they were not giving me any response. I thought maybe the way in which I approached them was wrong and they thought of me as a fool.
Later on I thought of approaching nothing that way and just thought I should not let her know about all my foolishness. When we are helpless, when we are weak, it is always better to be silent and have patience.
Though she replied nothing to me even though I started thinking about her and I thought that at least she came to know that lot of infatuations are still there in me.
Finally I could make it. Of course she will be thinking of me as a foolish guy that she had ever met in her life. I thought that's just a big compliment for me. I was very happy after I thought the way she would be thinking about me. Also I thought might be she would have been quite annoyed by the things when she saw my messages and my friend request.
Hmm…...it's a good thing when someone come to know where they are still lacking, why they are weak and how to rectify themselves and of course to be strong.
I was quite happy with full excitement that even though she didn't respond anything to me, she might have thought about me as a foolish one. But it did give me a heartfelt pleasure.
My happiness didn't stay with me for a long time as suddenly I heard my mom fell sick and it was severe. She was in need of some good treatment. And I started feeling guilty. I thought whether my life is cursed or is it just always full of sorrows.
However I could not think much as I had to be there at home soon. After I reached home within few days, she was hospitalized and gradually her condition became even more severe. And all my family members gathered together in the hospital after many years.
I felt so much of guilt for not taking care of my mom. I started regretting because I could not lead my life in a right path as my dad and mom were too concern for me. I could not be physically present to help them nor could I support them financially. I am at a stage where I should be earning money but rather I am still just a stupid one.
I thought maybe this is another time for me to feel really sorry for myself. Gradually my mom's severe illness made all of us mourn even though the doctors tried hard for her recovery. It was such a decisive moment that we all had to overcome in our life.
Finally she recovered and I just relaxed myself being at home for couple of weeks. By the time I was also taking care of my mom as far as I could instead of feeling guilty that way.
Finally it was a great lesson in my life the way we all had to try for my mom's health recovery from such severe illness. And I realized life is not only about emotions, we need to do a lot of things which are very practical.
It's been a long time I was wishing to ask her something again but something has just repelled me to do any such things.
My solemn promise which I made long before to find her out again in my life has caused something mysterious to happen in my life. When I remembered that, I cried a lot and my heart became misty and it started shrieking inside me.
The cry of silence and the soul destroying shriek made me feel like running behind peace and to shrill.
----------
EPILOGUE
Later on the boy after spending such a huge amount
of time and after getting such offensive emotions, he felt so much of guilt for
his own mistakes, where there was no reason for him to spend his precious time
that way.
Also the boy realized how he has passed his
time and how he did the things which he was not supposed to do and was wondering
how mysterious things may happen to life.
And the girl became highly qualified and well-educated
degree holder. Though she was highly knowledgeable, she was very humble who also looks very simple and cute as always.
The boy
could solemnly recognized all his mistakes which led his life to become so
miserable and later on, he confessed to himself and decided to be the maverick
in his life.
A real man always stands alone!!
A real man always stands alone!!
Finally he starts composing his true life story
and at the end he finds it's just a story without an epilogue.
----------
